10 years

I have been overcoming Type 1 Diabetes for 10 years today. I posted some photos that stuck out to me the most when I think of overcoming diabetes. They are photos filled with life, fun, happiness and new beginnings. Behind each of those photos is a whole lot of planning, checking my blood sugar, guessing, correcting, over-correcting, stressing and finally managing and getting through the diabetes stress to get t the fun part of life. The Lord has lead me through the twisted path that diabetes takes every day and has brought wonderful people into my life as my support system because of it. I am reminded of my first date with my husband specifically. I wanted so badly to have my blood sugar under control and to tell him about diabetes in a calm, collected manner that was ANY OTHER DAY than our first date. What I got instead was having to stuff my purse with granola bars and candy RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM before we left my apartment because I forgot to switch bags. Obviously, I had to tell him about diabetes at that point. I had prayed leading up to our date that I could just pretend that diabetes didn't exist for just one night, but then I had also prayed that my future husband would love me at my worst and fight for me when I needed him most....I got the latter prayer answered, praise God. I remember going ice skating with Jordan for our first date and thinking I could leave my purse in the car instead of being a "needy girl" and bringing it in with me. WRONG AGAIN. The Lord showed me from our very first date that I could trust Jordan with my life. As I was shaking like a leaf from embarrassment and low blood sugar, I asked Jordan to go get my purse from the car while I sat in the ice arena waiting for him. I then had to treat one of the worst lows I have ever had. On a a first date. With my future husband. Who didn't know a thing about me or my diabetes. Mortifying, I know. Jordan has handled diabetes in stride since day one, it has always been something that "we will figure out." He helps me make the impact less significant and for that, I am forever greatful.

I could go into every detail about every picture from here on out, but I will spare you that boredom. So here's a synopsis, a day in my head at each of these events at any given moment:

Lake Camping: How do I keep my pump dry on the boat? How do I keep my insulin cold for 3 days? How do I check my blood sugar enough and get enough insulin while swimming and disconnected? Do I have enough snacks to go on the boat? Can I ever have enough snacks? Is my pump site going to get ripped out with this life jacket/tubing situation?

1/2 Marathon: Did we pack enough snacks? Does everyone think I am blind or something because my hubby is riding a bike next to me? What if I spill my test strips while trying to check quickly? What if I go low and can't finish? What if my pump tubing gets knotted inside my sweatshirt and I finish the race, but am at 300 even after running 13 miles? Oh wait, that last one was a reality, not a question, but I finished the race and that's what counts.

Wedding Day: Am I the only bride who has to eat a PB&J in her wedding dress 15 minutes before walking down the aisle so I don't pass out? Dear Lord, can I please just make it through the ceremony without going low from nerves? Did the maids of honor remember the candy/juice I needed them to carry down the aisle? Will there be thousands of pictures of me checking my blood sugar today? Can I get my pump easy enough through this dress pocket contraption we came up with?

Having a baby: This one is hard. What questions have I not asked? What questions did I not know I needed to ask until it was almost too late? Is my baby going to have diabetes? Is my blood sugar going to stay stable without eating before my C-section? Is my baby going to be okay, even though she is in the special care nursery because of  MY DIABETES? Will I ever be able to have another baby, or was this too much?

There are so many things running through the mind of someone who has Type 1 Diabetes, whether it be a first date, a lake camping trip, a half marathon, a wedding day, preganancy, first day of teaching, the list goes on. The point is, that life is not routine and diabetes loves routines. I love routines, but I am learning that the best parts of life are out of routine, that's where the fun, the spontaneity and the faith lies. So this is what the last 10 years overcoming this disease with all of Jesus's strength and none of mine has taught me. Diabetes tells me no all day long, especially in out of routine circumstances and I could choose to let it win, or I can choose to overcome because Jesus overcame sin, death, disease and destruction on the cross. There are going to be bad days, scary days and downright exhausting days, especially with Type 1 diabetes. There will be hurdles like cataracts beginning at age 25, and pregnancy complications, but overcoming diabetes also brings the most beautiful days, the most memorable days, the most faith-filled days and the most wonderful people I have ever met. So here's to more days overcoming and more days truly living in the most crazy, exciting, beautiful, out of routine way possible.

Managing Baby and T1 Diabetes at home alone...

So the past few months that our precious baby girl has been with us have made me realize just how dangerous staying home with a newborn and managing Type 1 Diabetes can be. I decided to write a quick list of things I wish I had thought of before I had a few scary low blood sugar incidences while home alone. I have realized that everything from lack of sleep to excitement and hormone changes can mean some pretty wacky blood sugar once baby is finally here! With that in mind, here are some tips for other T1D mommies out there!

1. Bring supplies with you everywhere you go, even in the house. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten stuck feeding a fussy baby somewhere and having to stop to find my meter, get a snack, find more test strips, etc. I started carrying a little tote (from Thirty-one pictured below) around the house with me everywhere that holds snacks, candy, my cell phone and sometimes even the baby monitor. It's awesome to have everything in one place if you decided to go outside, run to the basement to get some chores done, or anything like that. I love being able to just grab my little tote and throw it in the stroller for an impromptu walk. You have enough preparing and packing to do for the baby, make diabetes supplies one less stressor by having them always ready!

2. Check your blood sugar before glorious surprise naps. So you are supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps....but if you have diabetes, an unexpected nap can mean an unexpected low if you were planning to eat or end up sleeping longer than you mean to. Ideally, you want to sleep as long as the baby sleeps and not wake up sweating and freaking out because your sugar is way too low, trust me on this one.

3. The first few weeks you are home alone, turn your insulin pump WAAAAY down. As in less insulin so that you aren't going to pass out alone with a baby. Of course, ask your doctor about this, but for me, shooting for 3 digit numbers after 9 months of militant obsession with lower numbers was hard to get used to.

4. Remember to eat. ESPECIALLY if you are breastfeeding. Duh right? Except when you are so consumed with taking care of the baby, sometimes strange things happen, like bolus-ing for your lunch, getting interrupted by your little one and forgetting to finish eating. The result? A whole lot of insulin covering NOT a whole lot of carbs. Trust me on this one too, unless maybe I'm the only one who forgets to eat....? I started bolus-ing for half my meals at first and then doing the other half if I finished eating. One-handed snacks are also wonderful, like granola bars, cheese sticks, breakfast burritos, the list goes on.

5. Have someone check on you! This last tip is something my hubby and I just came up with recently after I had a few scary lows during the middle of the day. Our plan is that I text him at 9am, noon and 3pm and if he doesn't hear from me during those times he calls me. I suppose if I don't answer, the next step is to call our neighbor to come make sure we are okay! This seems silly and almost paranoid at first, but really it is one of the most important ways to keep you and baby safe! I pretty much realized early on that my ability to be home alone without any one checking on me was never going to happen. So I embraced it and enjoy the extra time to connect with loved ones throughout the day!

That is all I have so far but, it's only been 4 months! I hope that some new mom with T1D somewhere can benefit from this and stay safe at home with those new little cuties!

Things I have learned from having a baby and having Type 1 Diabetes

I haven't written in so long because I have been so preoccupied with taking care of our little princess! Palmer Brooke was born on Friday, February 13th via C-section and the surgery went smoothly! My blood sugar was perfect and we managed it on our own like real pros. Here is the short list of things I have learned in the last 10 weeks with my happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl.

1. Being a new mom is downright exhausting, it's a new kind of tired, but somehow we all persevere and get up with the baby one more time each and every night. Completely handing the reins over to Daddy on at least one weekend night per week was the best present I have ever received for myself. I pump bottles ahead of time and just let Jordan work on his parenting skills for the overnight shift, he's such a good sport about it.

2. Nothing about diabetes or babies is predictable. ever. I assumed that I would be the one with health issues postpartum. But it was my sweet little baby that had to be in the special care nursery for her first few days of life and then in the general hospital for her first week because of low blood sugar and fluid in her lungs. One of those issues was attributed to my diabetes even though I kept near perfect control.

3. Breastfeeding is SO HARD. Its confusing, frustrating, even painful at first. When all was said and done, it was determined that I do not produce enough milk for my growing baby and we need to supplement with formula as well. Why? Diabetes. Of course. After 3 long weeks of literally sleepless nights (because I was essentially starving my baby unknowingly), my husband and I got flexible, gave some formula and some breast milk at each feeding and we all happily began sleeping longer at night.

4. Sometimes I forget to do basic things I need to keep me alive. For example, sometimes my pump runs out of insulin because I was so pre-occupied with the baby I forgot to change it, or hours go by and I haven't eaten anything because again, I was busy. My blood sugar is lower now than it has ever been due to producing milk, burning extra calories walking around the house at 2AM most nights with a squirmy baby and forgetting to eat. You think that the basics of diabetes and personal care in general are second nature. Then you have a baby and all of a sudden the baby is all that matters. I will put insulin in for my lunch, get interrupted, forget to finish eating and 30 minutes later I have to choose to have a screaming inconsolable infant rather than pass out.

5. Babies hate cribs. At least mine does. The moment I let go of my control freak tendencies and started putting her in a swing to sleep was the moment we all actually got some sleep. She has moved from our room in the swing to the hallway right by her nursery in the swing. We're getting closer every week to getting her to sleep in her own room, but for now, my child sleeps in the hallway because it works and I have decided I am okay with that.

6. Being a mother is beautiful and painful, but basically just beautiful. The sleepless nights, insane blood sugar, forgetfulness and days covered in spit up are all worth  it the second I see that toothless smile.

More than anything, the Lord is teaching me the power of flexibility and letting go of my plans, my priorities and my fears about motherhood. I started giving Palmer a bottle at times when she is sobbing and won't nurse, I started letting her sleep in bed with me on nights that I just couldn't keep my eyes open another second, all things I said I would never do. And you know what? I have a happy, healthy, finally-gaining-weight, beautiful baby girl. She is fed, she is well rested regardless of how we get there, and her Daddy and I couldn't be happier.

The day before Motherhood

We have made it to the end of pregnancy. Tomorrow we will meet our little precious baby and I will be a mother and Jordan will be a father. All of the stress, tears, excitement, sleepless nights, blood sugar swings, hospital visits and endless waiting rooms end tomorrow. Except they don't end. They are just beginning. I am both elated and terrified at the prospect of being a mom starting tomorrow. It doesn't help that as of this minute, I am not sure if we will be having a C-section or a labor induction. All I know is that they baby is still breech and I am to keep my blood sugar steady while not eating anything from midnight tonight until the birth of our baby. I just keep telling myself that we can do this. That God can do this. We have kept my blood sugar in amazing control by the grace of God for 9 entire months, we can keep it up for just one more day, and then thousands of days after that...

As I am preparing for my last prenatal appointment and non-stress test this morning, I can't help but realize that this moment and the events of tomorrow are the very events that I have been anticipating, worrying about and learning to trust the Lord with for nearly the last 10 years. Since my diagnosis with Type 1 Diabetes, there has always been a vague gray area around the issue of having children. I have heard many different opinions from many different doctors, have researched online countless hours, have listened to many insensitive comments from acquaintances and have spent years of my life begging the Lord for a healthy baby of my own some day. Yet here we are, on the eve of our first child's birthday. We have been to the emergency room 4 times during this pregnancy, we have gone to 8 high risk OB appointments, had 10 ultrasounds, 6 endocrinologist appointments and 29 regular OB appointments. I assumed that the doctor's office would infiltrate every aspect of my life and I was right, but one thing I did not anticipate was looking forward to those appointments with eager anticipation. Every appointment meant that I received professional confirmation that the baby is alive and well and that I am already being the best mother that I can be.

It's been a long road with pregnancy, with diabetes, with learning to be a mother already and I know that there is still a long road ahead. It will be a beautiful, messy, terrifying and exhilarating journey. Starting tomorrow, diabetes won't be the only one who needs to be fed at 3AM, won't be my only worry or constant obsession. So here's to trusting the Lord at the fork in the road between a C-section and labor and here's to happy birthdays!

Week 33: Worst nightmares, prayers and peace

This past weekend we had quite a scare at the Hagemeyer house. It was our very first night in our new house that we now own! I had been having strange blood sugar all day, but nothing unusual of the stress of moving and a new routine. Before we went to bed it started to snow a lot and get really icy. Now I don’t know how I know these things sometimes, (I like to believe God warns me of scary things ahead of time) but before we went to bed I had been talking to my mom about how I needed to pack my hospital bag. My last thought before I went to sleep was “It’s going to be hard to get to the hospital in the ice.” Feeling foolish, I said a quick prayer for safety and fell asleep. When 1:30AM rolled around, I awoke to extremely low blood sugar (not unusual during my pregnancy) and some cramping in my abdomen. Again, I knew what was going to happen. I just heard this little voice inside me say “Eat your starburst and fix your blood sugar because as soon as you stand up we are going to the hospital.” Sure enough, 4 inhaled starbursts later and I was screaming from the bathroom to a poor unsuspecting husband about blood, pain and going to the hospital. Jordan flew into action like a mad man. It was slow motion and light speed all at once. Within minutes we were dressed, with shoes on and tramping through the snow to the car. Speeding through the streets of our tiny town on icy roads did nothing to calm my hysteria. So of course I called my mom and prayed silently that my little baby would live to call me someday when he/she was scared. We got to the hospital in 7 minutes or less and I was quickly taken to the OB wing. As soon as they hooked me up to the fetal monitor and I heard that quickened little heartbeat, I melted into a puddle of relief. The baby was okay, I was okay and we made it to the hospital. By that point, I was having contractions every 3-4 minutes and the doctor was worried we would go into labor at a mere 32 weeks. They gave me medicine to calm the contractions which unfortunately spiked my blood sugar. Awesome. Not. I stayed in the hospital for 2 days on this drug called magnesium that is the worst stuff on the planet, especially if you have diabetes.

After being released and resting at home the remainder of the week, I saw my perinatologist (high risk obstetrician. He scared us to the point of tears when he explained that what happened was called a placental abruption, when the placenta bleeds because it tears a little bit from where it is supposed to be attached. His words exactly were “You had a mild abruption. I know that it is mild because we are having this conversation and your baby is still alive.” Talk about terrifying. Because the bleeding and contractions stopped, I am able to resume my normal activities within reason; he mentioned I am actually safer at work than home alone in case it happens again. We might now be induced as early as 37 weeks, depending on how the baby and I are doing. So here we are, praying, pleading, waiting and watching for any signs that we need to return to the hospital all while still excitedly preparing the nursery.

After our scare, for the first time in my life, diabetes seems so small. I was so worried about the effect on the baby and who knew that diabetes would not be the issue. Sure it adds another complicated element, but I was assured that there is no way to tell if this problem has anything to do with diabetes and to not try and blame myself or my health. I am trusting the Lord with this baby with a fervor like never before. I decided this morning at 3AM (while treating yet more low blood sugar), that God is in the business of protecting babies. He gave Hannah a son when she thought she was barren, she trusted him and Samuel was born. He gave Abraham and Sarah a baby way past their prime. He gave Elizabeth John the Baptist and gave Rebekah twins. Not only that, but Moses as a baby was kept safe from all sorts of treacheries and Jesus was born in a filthy place full of potential hazards. All of these women trusted the Lord for the baby they were promised and that was growing inside them, despite the odds being stacked against them. So we could freak out, worry incessantly and search horror stories on the internet, or we can rest in peace and understanding that God has this under control and this baby has never been in better care. It is my absolute goal over the next 4-6 weeks to be Mary, Hannah, Sarah, Elizabeth and Rebekah. I am claiming in the name of Jesus that we will have a healthy child, we will remain calm in the Lord’s peace and in 4-6 weeks we will hold our little miracle in our arms because “I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” (1 Samuel 1:27) So here’s to the next 4-6 weeks of celebration that our little one is coming soon!