Week 33: Worst nightmares, prayers and peace

This past weekend we had quite a scare at the Hagemeyer house. It was our very first night in our new house that we now own! I had been having strange blood sugar all day, but nothing unusual of the stress of moving and a new routine. Before we went to bed it started to snow a lot and get really icy. Now I don’t know how I know these things sometimes, (I like to believe God warns me of scary things ahead of time) but before we went to bed I had been talking to my mom about how I needed to pack my hospital bag. My last thought before I went to sleep was “It’s going to be hard to get to the hospital in the ice.” Feeling foolish, I said a quick prayer for safety and fell asleep. When 1:30AM rolled around, I awoke to extremely low blood sugar (not unusual during my pregnancy) and some cramping in my abdomen. Again, I knew what was going to happen. I just heard this little voice inside me say “Eat your starburst and fix your blood sugar because as soon as you stand up we are going to the hospital.” Sure enough, 4 inhaled starbursts later and I was screaming from the bathroom to a poor unsuspecting husband about blood, pain and going to the hospital. Jordan flew into action like a mad man. It was slow motion and light speed all at once. Within minutes we were dressed, with shoes on and tramping through the snow to the car. Speeding through the streets of our tiny town on icy roads did nothing to calm my hysteria. So of course I called my mom and prayed silently that my little baby would live to call me someday when he/she was scared. We got to the hospital in 7 minutes or less and I was quickly taken to the OB wing. As soon as they hooked me up to the fetal monitor and I heard that quickened little heartbeat, I melted into a puddle of relief. The baby was okay, I was okay and we made it to the hospital. By that point, I was having contractions every 3-4 minutes and the doctor was worried we would go into labor at a mere 32 weeks. They gave me medicine to calm the contractions which unfortunately spiked my blood sugar. Awesome. Not. I stayed in the hospital for 2 days on this drug called magnesium that is the worst stuff on the planet, especially if you have diabetes.

After being released and resting at home the remainder of the week, I saw my perinatologist (high risk obstetrician. He scared us to the point of tears when he explained that what happened was called a placental abruption, when the placenta bleeds because it tears a little bit from where it is supposed to be attached. His words exactly were “You had a mild abruption. I know that it is mild because we are having this conversation and your baby is still alive.” Talk about terrifying. Because the bleeding and contractions stopped, I am able to resume my normal activities within reason; he mentioned I am actually safer at work than home alone in case it happens again. We might now be induced as early as 37 weeks, depending on how the baby and I are doing. So here we are, praying, pleading, waiting and watching for any signs that we need to return to the hospital all while still excitedly preparing the nursery.

After our scare, for the first time in my life, diabetes seems so small. I was so worried about the effect on the baby and who knew that diabetes would not be the issue. Sure it adds another complicated element, but I was assured that there is no way to tell if this problem has anything to do with diabetes and to not try and blame myself or my health. I am trusting the Lord with this baby with a fervor like never before. I decided this morning at 3AM (while treating yet more low blood sugar), that God is in the business of protecting babies. He gave Hannah a son when she thought she was barren, she trusted him and Samuel was born. He gave Abraham and Sarah a baby way past their prime. He gave Elizabeth John the Baptist and gave Rebekah twins. Not only that, but Moses as a baby was kept safe from all sorts of treacheries and Jesus was born in a filthy place full of potential hazards. All of these women trusted the Lord for the baby they were promised and that was growing inside them, despite the odds being stacked against them. So we could freak out, worry incessantly and search horror stories on the internet, or we can rest in peace and understanding that God has this under control and this baby has never been in better care. It is my absolute goal over the next 4-6 weeks to be Mary, Hannah, Sarah, Elizabeth and Rebekah. I am claiming in the name of Jesus that we will have a healthy child, we will remain calm in the Lord’s peace and in 4-6 weeks we will hold our little miracle in our arms because “I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” (1 Samuel 1:27) So here’s to the next 4-6 weeks of celebration that our little one is coming soon!

Week 29.

So here we are, just 10 weeks away from meeting out precious little baby (I will be induced no later than 39 weeks because of diabetes). So far pregnancy has had many highs and lows....literally....a little diabetes humor that I just could not resist! We still do not know the gender of our baby, despite the 4 ultrasounds I have had, with 2-3 more to go. I have my suspicions, but I'm not telling! We STILL do not have a name picked out for our baby either way and I'm getting nervous we will just have to actually name him/her the affectionate pet name, "Bubba," that we use now!

I have just completed my 4th appointment with the perinatologist (high-risk OB) and so far everything looks great in terms of my blood sugars and the baby's development. I always hold my breath a little while he reads over my last month's blood sugar print-outs, hoping that I am doing everything right. So far, we are under near perfect control, with still too many lows for his liking. Ah lows....on that subject, here is a little story from last night. So I went to bed with some active insulin after eating a small bowl of cereal before bed, this is typical though, especially with late-night hunger pangs, so I assumed if I set my alarm to check my blood sugar at 3am, I would be fine. By the grace of God alone, I am "fine" and able to type this right now. By 12:30am, my blood sugar was 24. I woke up shaking and sweating with my heart racing and my lips and tongue completely numb. All I could say was "24" over and over again to my husband lying fast asleep next to me as I stuffed candy corn in my mouth and dripped blood from my overzealous finger poke all over the place. Jordan stayed up with me until my sugar was steady again, but apparently not steady enough.

By 2:30 am before my alarm actually did go off, I was 28 and surprisingly felt fine, minus the racing heartbeat. Thinking I could handle it myself without waking Jordan up again, I stood up to go get some juice this time (switching off types of glucose is more effective). After taking two steps away from the bed, I quickly realized that there was going to be no "doing this myself." My legs gave out from under me and thankfully I fell back onto the bed. I must have made some sort of noise, I don't quite remember, but then Jordan was holding me up and then we were in the kitchen drinking cranberry juice. All I could think about the entire time was "Please, God, let the baby be okay." After 30 more minutes, a glass of juice, some starbursts and a slice of peanut butter toast, we were finally able to go back to sleep. Jordan was holding on to me so tightly I couldn't even move, but I allowed it because we both knew that the events of the night could have had a very different outcome.

After an eventful and nearly sleepless night, I woke up this morning ready to battle high blood sugar from all of that delayed glucose. Again, by the grace of God alone, was 106, with no low blood sugar migraine. I have felt the baby move more than ever today and my blood sugar is nearly perfect, all of which I am 100% positive are absolute miracles. There you have it, that is what is going on in the lives of people everywhere with Type 1 Diabetes, especially those who are pregnant. Nights like last night really put life in perspective for me and make me realize just how blessed I truly am to be alive and well every morning.

Pregnancy and diabetes mixed together are teaching me nearly hourly that I do not always have to be the one in control and that the Lord literally will wake me up in the middle of the night to save me, more than once if needed. I am so thankful to be alive this morning, so thankful that my baby is safe, so thankful that my husband can respond so quickly at 3AM. For the most part, though, I am really enjoying being pregnant. There is something so wonderful about being pregnant during the Christmas season, I feel like it really makes Christmas spirit come alive and allows me to be constantly aware of the baby in the manger that we are celebrating. On nights like last night, all we can do is rely on God to get us safely through the danger that is largely out of our control and spend our days praising Him for His faithfulness.

Week 23.

We made it over half way through pregnancy! I have to say that so far, being pregnant is not the horror that I imagined it would be. I always just assumed that pregnancy and Type 1 Diabetes would join forces to make the most miserable 9 months of my life. There are many struggles, but the promised reward at the end turns them into manageable challenges. Listed below, because I do love lists....are some of the many important things I have learned about pregnancy, diabetes and the combination of the two.

1. Pregnancy, at least with T1D really is the hardest, most worthwhile thing I have ever set out to accomplish. I always thought my half-marathon with diabetes was a real challenge, boy was I young and naïve.

2. Low blood sugar can strike at any moment....I am told that the lows should be subsiding....ha....I carry an entire Ziploc bag full of candy corn in my purse at all times because juice just doesn't do anything to help me anymore.

3. Gaining weight ON PURPOSE is a weird feeling.

4. "Morning Sickness" or in my case, "Night Nausea" is not just for the first trimester, it still happens about two nights per week.

5. Pregnancy strengthens marriage. I have never felt so vulnerable, nervous and  neurotic as I have these past few months and allowing Jordan to take care of me in those moments has helped me realize what love really is, what God's love is really like.

6. Throw the rule book out the window. Being flexible within pregnancy with diabetes is a MUST. It is incredibly hard for me to throw the "old rules" out the window. I now eat 0 carbs for breakfast, so just 2 eggs every morning, then have a "second breakfast" (in the habit of Hobbits) at 8:30 of NO MORE than 25 carbs. New routines like this one rock my world for a few weeks, then change just as soon as I get used to them. I'm learning patience and flexibility as I strive to get my blood sugars in that "sweet spot" (pun definitely intended...)

7. An A1C of 5.1 really is possible during pregnancy. Yeas that means I have several lows everyday, but we fix what we can and we don't worry about yesterday's numbers.

8. Trusting God for this healthy baby is how I find peace. I must say it a thousand times a day, "Lord, I'm trusting you with this healthy baby. I am trusting you with diabetes."

9. Running during pregnancy is exhausting at first, then awesome. The more I run, the more energy I have and the better I feel overall, blood sugar included. Granted, the very most I can do is 2 miles, but it's still exercise!

10. Telling people that you are NOT finding out the baby's gender ON PURPOSE is highly entertaining some days, highly annoying other days.....everyone has an opinion....

So far, that is the extent of my wisdom in this 23 week journey. I am so ready to meet Baby Hagemeyer or "Bubba Squirt" as we affectionately call him/her.

Overcoming

Tomorrow is my Overcoming Diabetes day. With all of God's strength and none of mine, I have been overcoming type 1 diabetes for 9 years now. We had some frozen yogurt and a special breakfast to celebrate overcoming diabetes for me and for baby. A lot has changed in the last 9 years, more specifically in the last 4 months. I now test my blood sugar 15-18 times a day, I can handle may foods that used to give me blood sugar issues and many foods that I used to do fine with are now causing troubles.

As I am sitting here typing this (at 2 PM) with the tail end of a 2 AM low-blood sugar migraine, 9 years seems so long. All of the needles, the doctor visits, complications, trips to the ER, worries and sleepless nights seem to stretch out forever behind me. What is more daunting is facing what the future holds with diabetes. This pregnancy has taught me that there really is such a tangible reward to maintaining good control. In the context of doing diabetes for baby, it's easy and it's not a burden. In the context of dealing with diabetes within our marriage, finances and my own sanity, sometimes it feels like a burden. My husband is amazing and has never made me feel like a burden, but I know that this disease affects every part of his life too. From halted spontaneity because of blood sugar issues to piles of medical bills, I am not the only one feeling the effects of diabetes at its maintenance. I am still learning everyday to give this burden to the Lord and not try to shoulder it myself. Already in being a mother, I can understand God's love more fully than I ever could before. I can handle diabetes and the extra sugar checks, doctor visits, bills, etc. for the baby's well being and I want nothing more than to keep that burden from harming my little one in any way. So in the same way, I can give my stress, worry and exhaustion to the Lord because He wants to take that burden away from me for the same reason I want to protect my child.

I am reminded on this day every year of the song that really resonates the emotions that come with battling a chronic disease. "I will praise you in this storm, I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried, You hold in your hands, You've never left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm." That has been my theme song for the past 9 years when diabetes gets really rough. It's the song I hummed in my head on the way to the emergency room last week, the silent prayer I repeat over and over again when I just cannot seem to get my blood sugar in a safe range for the baby and the song I woke up with stuck in my throbbing head this morning at 2am. So here's to 9 more healthy, happy years of overcoming diabetes and learning to trust that I do not always have to hold it all together. I am determined to keep illness from ruining my fun, my family and my future!

And then there were three...

This past week we had the pleasure of announcing (finally) our pregnancy to co-workers and friends. While our family has known for many weeks, it feels good to finally be able to talk about our news and not have to hide it anymore! Which means I can now fill the world in on how my life has drastically changed in the last 12 weeks. Let's start with the basics. I am not really having morning sickness which is a HUGE blessing, especially with diabetes. I do, however, get quite queasy around 8:30pm every night until about 10pm. I have come to expect it and just use the time to watch some TV or go to bed early. I feel like I sleep and eat constantly. Supposedly, the little baby inside me, who is still somewhere between the size of a plum and a kiwi, is not using that much of my energy yet. Ha! I will be past my first trimester on Friday and I am so ready for the second trimester which brings more chances to see ultrasounds, feel the baby move and hopefully, less queasy feelings.

Thankfully, diabetes and pregnancy are getting along moderately well. I am constantly fighting low blood sugar at all times of the day and night, which only contributes to my constant eating even more. I will say that I am very anxious all the time about what my blood sugar is doing, how it is affecting the baby and how I can keep it even more under control. That little screen on my glucometer that beams those numbers that will ultimately hurt or help my baby is like oxygen to me. As I am working on completing my last semester of graduate school, I am also constantly calculating all sorts of numbers in my head to the point where I am even dreaming about testing my blood sugar. I likely test 15 times a day now just because I feel like it is the only way I can know that the baby is doing fine. I suppose I am getting a little neurotic about checking, but I suppose reassuring myself of the safety of my baby and myself is only a good thing. I am so blessed to have a team of doctors and nurses who are keeping a close eye on the baby's development and a husband who is diligent in helping me make this the easiest pregnancy that it can be. We just found out the schedule of doctor's visits for the next 6 months and I will say it is quite overwhelming. Somehow I am going to make it to two different doctor's offices once a month and a third doctor a few times in there as well. By week 26, I will be going to one of three doctors every other week (which means some appointment every week) and by week 30, I will be balancing 2 different doctors every week. And that is all if everything goes perfectly, if not, it will be even more visits, more needles, more waiting rooms and more co-pays. Bring it on.

So far, in the last 12 weeks, pregnancy has taught me so much. I now understand why mothers worry when they don't know how their children are doing. My baby is closer to me than my own skin and yet I still worry. I have learned to let go of the idea that I can control diabetes completely, control pregnancy and control my crazy emotions and appetite. I have never had to trust the Lord so completely and so wholly as I do now. Growing a baby inside me is also growing trust in my heart. I am trusting that every high or low blood sugar number is not going to hurt my baby, trusting that birth defects aren't going to happen and trusting that God can handle this so much better than I can. I am learning to let my body literally be a house of peace through Jesus. The baby needs peace and rest and trust. When I am not checking my blood sugar, I am praying for the baby and vis versa. I am ready to trust the Lord to get me and the baby safely through the next 6 months and to get us safely through the next 6 hours.

Neburski

I clearly haven't written in awhile. So much has changed since my last post that I'm not sure where to begin....Let's begin with the obvious, we now live in Nebraska. Stanton, Nebraska to be exact. Jordan took a design engineer position in Norfolk, a city with a population around 24 thousand people. We live in a little town just outside the city that has about 1,500 people. 15 hundred people in relation to Denver is a HUGE difference. We have both wanted to get out of the city for so long and now that we have actually done it, I cannot even begin to describe the changes in day to day life that immediately exist. Jordan is from a small town, even smaller than where we currently live, so he is used to the mannerisms, culture and quirks of small town America much more than I am. I have visited his family often, but there are many new things I am learning by being an actual part of a smaller community. The best part about moving to Nebraska is by far the house that we get to live in on a near 1/2 acre of land. In comparison to our tiny apartment, it is enormous! I am still finding empty cabinets and drawers every day that I thought I had already filled up.

Because I am a lover of lists, the list below is a list of "adjustments" I have found myself going through in the first week of our new adventure. Swapping the big city for a small town and an apartment for a house for the first time is quite a change.

1. YARD WORK. Something I have hardly done in my life up to this point and will likely spend the rest of my existence doing on our property.
2. ENORMOUS BIRDS. Birds in NE are kind of terrifying.
3. GRASS/WEED DUMPS. This means something entirely different in Denver....ha. here in small town America, it is a place to dump your grass clippings, branches, etc where they later burn them in mass piles.
4. GAS STOVES. Gas stoves are exhilarating and scary at the same time.
5. WORK WHISTLES. Small towns have "work whistles" that sound everyday at noon and 5pm, they also double as tornado sirens....don't confuse the two.
6. INDIVIDUAL MAILBOXES. Mail carriers don't take your outgoing mail unless you know that you're supposed to put the little flag up.
7. 1400 FT ABOVE SEA-LEVEL. Baking and running are magnificent at 1400 ft.
8. SILENCE AND DARKNESS. Out here it is like silence and darkness have a presence and when they combine, it makes me feel like a little kid sprinting across the backyard, jumping into the house and slamming the door on the monsters that are surely lurking nearby.
9. BULLETIN BOARDS. Small town bulletin boards are hilarious, especially the one at Emmit's Foodtown, yes that is what our grocery store is called.
10. BLACK HOLES. Yards and garages are like black holes that suck people in and spit them out hours, even days later, only for husbands though.
11. TOWN HALL/THE COURTHOUSE. These are the places where you can get things done in minutes that would have taken hours, if not days in Denver.
12. GOING TO TOWN. Some days you don't work or need to go to the store, so you don't "go to town" (Norfolk) which means you can go an entire 24 hours without being a part of corporate America, Starbucks included. It's weird.
13. BE A WAVER. Everyone waves to each other, whether they know you or not. Avoid the confused stares and be a waver.

Those are only some of the many adjustments I have noticed here in the first week of our new home. I am learning to be a waver who does yard work, out-runs monsters, bakes perfect cookies in a gas oven, uses a mailbox correctly and dismisses work whistles like a pro. I am fitting in already. Who am I kidding? I am POSITIVE that everyone in the entire town knows I came from the city just by watching my reactions to absolutely normal life for them. Whether I fit in or not, I am loving every minute of our new home, besides being far away from family and friends. That is the biggest adjustment of all.

Year ONE.

On the eve of 2014, I can hardly believe that the weekend after next will mark our first year of marriage. So much has happened in the last year and so much is still happening! I have learned so many important lessons and grown so much and I have God and Jordan to thank for that. Here are some things I myself have learned about being a wife in 2013....

1. Trust is an amazing thing. Learning to trust the Lord to provide for us, trust my husband to do what's best for us and trust that I can let go of the little things has been quite a blessing in the past year.

2. Hobbies are important. I have re-cultivated my love for running, baking and reading and am training for a half-marathon! It is tricky to balance it all with work and grad school, but having time for just me has been really important. My health is better than ever and this half-marathon is my way of preparing myself and my diabetes to be healthy enough to have children safely at some point. Jordan has his personal hobbies too, like working out and doing projects with power tools...in our living room....

3. Honesty and tactfulness should be best friends. Nothing is better than being completely honest withy your spouse. However, an extra helping of kindness and a few hugs and kisses go a long way when it comes time to be brutally honest about something.

4. Listening is truly an art. I have learned what it means to listen to someone and to not be distracted by my phone, the mile-high pile of dirty laundry creeping into my thoughts, the list of rapid-fire questions threatening to burst forth from my very soul, etc. Of course, it is an art I am still practicing everyday (and Jordan will always be so much better at it than I am), but we are learning to use purposeful listening more often than not.

5. Couples that play together, stay together. Ha! So cliché...I had to throw at least one in there. In all seriousness though, playing board games, looking at Christmas lights, dancing in the kitchen, going to the dollar movies, playing football together, etc. have made the past year so incredibly fun. It does take work to still "date your spouse" especially with busy schedules and a grad-school budget, but that un-interrupted fun time is so refreshing.

6. Arguing is okay, but closure is crucial. After an argument, I have learned that nothing brings us back together like praying about the issue and talking about what the major "take aways" for next time are. This is Jordan's area of expertise and I have to say that stating a few concise positive "next time, I can do ____ better by..." statements and praying for guidance together really brings peace, grace and healing for everyone involved.

7. The biggest lesson I have learned, that was a piece of advice from our pastor, is to ask each other everyday "How can I serve you today?" and then make that one thing a priority. We have been consistently doing this for 6 months or so almost everyday, and I cannot even begin to express how much of a blessing it is. This simple concept helps avoid fights, hurt feelings and miscommunications. It turns "Why don't you ever help me with the dishes?" into "Today you can serve me by helping me finish all the dishes in the sink." Or "You never have time for me." Into "Today, I really just need to do something fun together after dinner." I love knowing that I am serving Jordan in the little things each day in a way that is meaningful to him and knowing he is already working on serving me takes away that nagging feeling that causes tension.

So that is the extent of my wisdom from the past year and my first year of marriage. I hope 2014 is a blessed year for everyone and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us in year two!