Things I have learned from having a baby and having Type 1 Diabetes

I haven't written in so long because I have been so preoccupied with taking care of our little princess! Palmer Brooke was born on Friday, February 13th via C-section and the surgery went smoothly! My blood sugar was perfect and we managed it on our own like real pros. Here is the short list of things I have learned in the last 10 weeks with my happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl.

1. Being a new mom is downright exhausting, it's a new kind of tired, but somehow we all persevere and get up with the baby one more time each and every night. Completely handing the reins over to Daddy on at least one weekend night per week was the best present I have ever received for myself. I pump bottles ahead of time and just let Jordan work on his parenting skills for the overnight shift, he's such a good sport about it.

2. Nothing about diabetes or babies is predictable. ever. I assumed that I would be the one with health issues postpartum. But it was my sweet little baby that had to be in the special care nursery for her first few days of life and then in the general hospital for her first week because of low blood sugar and fluid in her lungs. One of those issues was attributed to my diabetes even though I kept near perfect control.

3. Breastfeeding is SO HARD. Its confusing, frustrating, even painful at first. When all was said and done, it was determined that I do not produce enough milk for my growing baby and we need to supplement with formula as well. Why? Diabetes. Of course. After 3 long weeks of literally sleepless nights (because I was essentially starving my baby unknowingly), my husband and I got flexible, gave some formula and some breast milk at each feeding and we all happily began sleeping longer at night.

4. Sometimes I forget to do basic things I need to keep me alive. For example, sometimes my pump runs out of insulin because I was so pre-occupied with the baby I forgot to change it, or hours go by and I haven't eaten anything because again, I was busy. My blood sugar is lower now than it has ever been due to producing milk, burning extra calories walking around the house at 2AM most nights with a squirmy baby and forgetting to eat. You think that the basics of diabetes and personal care in general are second nature. Then you have a baby and all of a sudden the baby is all that matters. I will put insulin in for my lunch, get interrupted, forget to finish eating and 30 minutes later I have to choose to have a screaming inconsolable infant rather than pass out.

5. Babies hate cribs. At least mine does. The moment I let go of my control freak tendencies and started putting her in a swing to sleep was the moment we all actually got some sleep. She has moved from our room in the swing to the hallway right by her nursery in the swing. We're getting closer every week to getting her to sleep in her own room, but for now, my child sleeps in the hallway because it works and I have decided I am okay with that.

6. Being a mother is beautiful and painful, but basically just beautiful. The sleepless nights, insane blood sugar, forgetfulness and days covered in spit up are all worth  it the second I see that toothless smile.

More than anything, the Lord is teaching me the power of flexibility and letting go of my plans, my priorities and my fears about motherhood. I started giving Palmer a bottle at times when she is sobbing and won't nurse, I started letting her sleep in bed with me on nights that I just couldn't keep my eyes open another second, all things I said I would never do. And you know what? I have a happy, healthy, finally-gaining-weight, beautiful baby girl. She is fed, she is well rested regardless of how we get there, and her Daddy and I couldn't be happier.

The day before Motherhood

We have made it to the end of pregnancy. Tomorrow we will meet our little precious baby and I will be a mother and Jordan will be a father. All of the stress, tears, excitement, sleepless nights, blood sugar swings, hospital visits and endless waiting rooms end tomorrow. Except they don't end. They are just beginning. I am both elated and terrified at the prospect of being a mom starting tomorrow. It doesn't help that as of this minute, I am not sure if we will be having a C-section or a labor induction. All I know is that they baby is still breech and I am to keep my blood sugar steady while not eating anything from midnight tonight until the birth of our baby. I just keep telling myself that we can do this. That God can do this. We have kept my blood sugar in amazing control by the grace of God for 9 entire months, we can keep it up for just one more day, and then thousands of days after that...

As I am preparing for my last prenatal appointment and non-stress test this morning, I can't help but realize that this moment and the events of tomorrow are the very events that I have been anticipating, worrying about and learning to trust the Lord with for nearly the last 10 years. Since my diagnosis with Type 1 Diabetes, there has always been a vague gray area around the issue of having children. I have heard many different opinions from many different doctors, have researched online countless hours, have listened to many insensitive comments from acquaintances and have spent years of my life begging the Lord for a healthy baby of my own some day. Yet here we are, on the eve of our first child's birthday. We have been to the emergency room 4 times during this pregnancy, we have gone to 8 high risk OB appointments, had 10 ultrasounds, 6 endocrinologist appointments and 29 regular OB appointments. I assumed that the doctor's office would infiltrate every aspect of my life and I was right, but one thing I did not anticipate was looking forward to those appointments with eager anticipation. Every appointment meant that I received professional confirmation that the baby is alive and well and that I am already being the best mother that I can be.

It's been a long road with pregnancy, with diabetes, with learning to be a mother already and I know that there is still a long road ahead. It will be a beautiful, messy, terrifying and exhilarating journey. Starting tomorrow, diabetes won't be the only one who needs to be fed at 3AM, won't be my only worry or constant obsession. So here's to trusting the Lord at the fork in the road between a C-section and labor and here's to happy birthdays!

Week 33: Worst nightmares, prayers and peace

This past weekend we had quite a scare at the Hagemeyer house. It was our very first night in our new house that we now own! I had been having strange blood sugar all day, but nothing unusual of the stress of moving and a new routine. Before we went to bed it started to snow a lot and get really icy. Now I don’t know how I know these things sometimes, (I like to believe God warns me of scary things ahead of time) but before we went to bed I had been talking to my mom about how I needed to pack my hospital bag. My last thought before I went to sleep was “It’s going to be hard to get to the hospital in the ice.” Feeling foolish, I said a quick prayer for safety and fell asleep. When 1:30AM rolled around, I awoke to extremely low blood sugar (not unusual during my pregnancy) and some cramping in my abdomen. Again, I knew what was going to happen. I just heard this little voice inside me say “Eat your starburst and fix your blood sugar because as soon as you stand up we are going to the hospital.” Sure enough, 4 inhaled starbursts later and I was screaming from the bathroom to a poor unsuspecting husband about blood, pain and going to the hospital. Jordan flew into action like a mad man. It was slow motion and light speed all at once. Within minutes we were dressed, with shoes on and tramping through the snow to the car. Speeding through the streets of our tiny town on icy roads did nothing to calm my hysteria. So of course I called my mom and prayed silently that my little baby would live to call me someday when he/she was scared. We got to the hospital in 7 minutes or less and I was quickly taken to the OB wing. As soon as they hooked me up to the fetal monitor and I heard that quickened little heartbeat, I melted into a puddle of relief. The baby was okay, I was okay and we made it to the hospital. By that point, I was having contractions every 3-4 minutes and the doctor was worried we would go into labor at a mere 32 weeks. They gave me medicine to calm the contractions which unfortunately spiked my blood sugar. Awesome. Not. I stayed in the hospital for 2 days on this drug called magnesium that is the worst stuff on the planet, especially if you have diabetes.

After being released and resting at home the remainder of the week, I saw my perinatologist (high risk obstetrician. He scared us to the point of tears when he explained that what happened was called a placental abruption, when the placenta bleeds because it tears a little bit from where it is supposed to be attached. His words exactly were “You had a mild abruption. I know that it is mild because we are having this conversation and your baby is still alive.” Talk about terrifying. Because the bleeding and contractions stopped, I am able to resume my normal activities within reason; he mentioned I am actually safer at work than home alone in case it happens again. We might now be induced as early as 37 weeks, depending on how the baby and I are doing. So here we are, praying, pleading, waiting and watching for any signs that we need to return to the hospital all while still excitedly preparing the nursery.

After our scare, for the first time in my life, diabetes seems so small. I was so worried about the effect on the baby and who knew that diabetes would not be the issue. Sure it adds another complicated element, but I was assured that there is no way to tell if this problem has anything to do with diabetes and to not try and blame myself or my health. I am trusting the Lord with this baby with a fervor like never before. I decided this morning at 3AM (while treating yet more low blood sugar), that God is in the business of protecting babies. He gave Hannah a son when she thought she was barren, she trusted him and Samuel was born. He gave Abraham and Sarah a baby way past their prime. He gave Elizabeth John the Baptist and gave Rebekah twins. Not only that, but Moses as a baby was kept safe from all sorts of treacheries and Jesus was born in a filthy place full of potential hazards. All of these women trusted the Lord for the baby they were promised and that was growing inside them, despite the odds being stacked against them. So we could freak out, worry incessantly and search horror stories on the internet, or we can rest in peace and understanding that God has this under control and this baby has never been in better care. It is my absolute goal over the next 4-6 weeks to be Mary, Hannah, Sarah, Elizabeth and Rebekah. I am claiming in the name of Jesus that we will have a healthy child, we will remain calm in the Lord’s peace and in 4-6 weeks we will hold our little miracle in our arms because “I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” (1 Samuel 1:27) So here’s to the next 4-6 weeks of celebration that our little one is coming soon!

Week 29.

So here we are, just 10 weeks away from meeting out precious little baby (I will be induced no later than 39 weeks because of diabetes). So far pregnancy has had many highs and lows....literally....a little diabetes humor that I just could not resist! We still do not know the gender of our baby, despite the 4 ultrasounds I have had, with 2-3 more to go. I have my suspicions, but I'm not telling! We STILL do not have a name picked out for our baby either way and I'm getting nervous we will just have to actually name him/her the affectionate pet name, "Bubba," that we use now!

I have just completed my 4th appointment with the perinatologist (high-risk OB) and so far everything looks great in terms of my blood sugars and the baby's development. I always hold my breath a little while he reads over my last month's blood sugar print-outs, hoping that I am doing everything right. So far, we are under near perfect control, with still too many lows for his liking. Ah lows....on that subject, here is a little story from last night. So I went to bed with some active insulin after eating a small bowl of cereal before bed, this is typical though, especially with late-night hunger pangs, so I assumed if I set my alarm to check my blood sugar at 3am, I would be fine. By the grace of God alone, I am "fine" and able to type this right now. By 12:30am, my blood sugar was 24. I woke up shaking and sweating with my heart racing and my lips and tongue completely numb. All I could say was "24" over and over again to my husband lying fast asleep next to me as I stuffed candy corn in my mouth and dripped blood from my overzealous finger poke all over the place. Jordan stayed up with me until my sugar was steady again, but apparently not steady enough.

By 2:30 am before my alarm actually did go off, I was 28 and surprisingly felt fine, minus the racing heartbeat. Thinking I could handle it myself without waking Jordan up again, I stood up to go get some juice this time (switching off types of glucose is more effective). After taking two steps away from the bed, I quickly realized that there was going to be no "doing this myself." My legs gave out from under me and thankfully I fell back onto the bed. I must have made some sort of noise, I don't quite remember, but then Jordan was holding me up and then we were in the kitchen drinking cranberry juice. All I could think about the entire time was "Please, God, let the baby be okay." After 30 more minutes, a glass of juice, some starbursts and a slice of peanut butter toast, we were finally able to go back to sleep. Jordan was holding on to me so tightly I couldn't even move, but I allowed it because we both knew that the events of the night could have had a very different outcome.

After an eventful and nearly sleepless night, I woke up this morning ready to battle high blood sugar from all of that delayed glucose. Again, by the grace of God alone, was 106, with no low blood sugar migraine. I have felt the baby move more than ever today and my blood sugar is nearly perfect, all of which I am 100% positive are absolute miracles. There you have it, that is what is going on in the lives of people everywhere with Type 1 Diabetes, especially those who are pregnant. Nights like last night really put life in perspective for me and make me realize just how blessed I truly am to be alive and well every morning.

Pregnancy and diabetes mixed together are teaching me nearly hourly that I do not always have to be the one in control and that the Lord literally will wake me up in the middle of the night to save me, more than once if needed. I am so thankful to be alive this morning, so thankful that my baby is safe, so thankful that my husband can respond so quickly at 3AM. For the most part, though, I am really enjoying being pregnant. There is something so wonderful about being pregnant during the Christmas season, I feel like it really makes Christmas spirit come alive and allows me to be constantly aware of the baby in the manger that we are celebrating. On nights like last night, all we can do is rely on God to get us safely through the danger that is largely out of our control and spend our days praising Him for His faithfulness.

Week 23.

We made it over half way through pregnancy! I have to say that so far, being pregnant is not the horror that I imagined it would be. I always just assumed that pregnancy and Type 1 Diabetes would join forces to make the most miserable 9 months of my life. There are many struggles, but the promised reward at the end turns them into manageable challenges. Listed below, because I do love lists....are some of the many important things I have learned about pregnancy, diabetes and the combination of the two.

1. Pregnancy, at least with T1D really is the hardest, most worthwhile thing I have ever set out to accomplish. I always thought my half-marathon with diabetes was a real challenge, boy was I young and naïve.

2. Low blood sugar can strike at any moment....I am told that the lows should be subsiding....ha....I carry an entire Ziploc bag full of candy corn in my purse at all times because juice just doesn't do anything to help me anymore.

3. Gaining weight ON PURPOSE is a weird feeling.

4. "Morning Sickness" or in my case, "Night Nausea" is not just for the first trimester, it still happens about two nights per week.

5. Pregnancy strengthens marriage. I have never felt so vulnerable, nervous and  neurotic as I have these past few months and allowing Jordan to take care of me in those moments has helped me realize what love really is, what God's love is really like.

6. Throw the rule book out the window. Being flexible within pregnancy with diabetes is a MUST. It is incredibly hard for me to throw the "old rules" out the window. I now eat 0 carbs for breakfast, so just 2 eggs every morning, then have a "second breakfast" (in the habit of Hobbits) at 8:30 of NO MORE than 25 carbs. New routines like this one rock my world for a few weeks, then change just as soon as I get used to them. I'm learning patience and flexibility as I strive to get my blood sugars in that "sweet spot" (pun definitely intended...)

7. An A1C of 5.1 really is possible during pregnancy. Yeas that means I have several lows everyday, but we fix what we can and we don't worry about yesterday's numbers.

8. Trusting God for this healthy baby is how I find peace. I must say it a thousand times a day, "Lord, I'm trusting you with this healthy baby. I am trusting you with diabetes."

9. Running during pregnancy is exhausting at first, then awesome. The more I run, the more energy I have and the better I feel overall, blood sugar included. Granted, the very most I can do is 2 miles, but it's still exercise!

10. Telling people that you are NOT finding out the baby's gender ON PURPOSE is highly entertaining some days, highly annoying other days.....everyone has an opinion....

So far, that is the extent of my wisdom in this 23 week journey. I am so ready to meet Baby Hagemeyer or "Bubba Squirt" as we affectionately call him/her.

Overcoming

Tomorrow is my Overcoming Diabetes day. With all of God's strength and none of mine, I have been overcoming type 1 diabetes for 9 years now. We had some frozen yogurt and a special breakfast to celebrate overcoming diabetes for me and for baby. A lot has changed in the last 9 years, more specifically in the last 4 months. I now test my blood sugar 15-18 times a day, I can handle may foods that used to give me blood sugar issues and many foods that I used to do fine with are now causing troubles.

As I am sitting here typing this (at 2 PM) with the tail end of a 2 AM low-blood sugar migraine, 9 years seems so long. All of the needles, the doctor visits, complications, trips to the ER, worries and sleepless nights seem to stretch out forever behind me. What is more daunting is facing what the future holds with diabetes. This pregnancy has taught me that there really is such a tangible reward to maintaining good control. In the context of doing diabetes for baby, it's easy and it's not a burden. In the context of dealing with diabetes within our marriage, finances and my own sanity, sometimes it feels like a burden. My husband is amazing and has never made me feel like a burden, but I know that this disease affects every part of his life too. From halted spontaneity because of blood sugar issues to piles of medical bills, I am not the only one feeling the effects of diabetes at its maintenance. I am still learning everyday to give this burden to the Lord and not try to shoulder it myself. Already in being a mother, I can understand God's love more fully than I ever could before. I can handle diabetes and the extra sugar checks, doctor visits, bills, etc. for the baby's well being and I want nothing more than to keep that burden from harming my little one in any way. So in the same way, I can give my stress, worry and exhaustion to the Lord because He wants to take that burden away from me for the same reason I want to protect my child.

I am reminded on this day every year of the song that really resonates the emotions that come with battling a chronic disease. "I will praise you in this storm, I will lift my hands, for You are who You are, no matter where I am. Every tear I've cried, You hold in your hands, You've never left my side and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm." That has been my theme song for the past 9 years when diabetes gets really rough. It's the song I hummed in my head on the way to the emergency room last week, the silent prayer I repeat over and over again when I just cannot seem to get my blood sugar in a safe range for the baby and the song I woke up with stuck in my throbbing head this morning at 2am. So here's to 9 more healthy, happy years of overcoming diabetes and learning to trust that I do not always have to hold it all together. I am determined to keep illness from ruining my fun, my family and my future!

And then there were three...

This past week we had the pleasure of announcing (finally) our pregnancy to co-workers and friends. While our family has known for many weeks, it feels good to finally be able to talk about our news and not have to hide it anymore! Which means I can now fill the world in on how my life has drastically changed in the last 12 weeks. Let's start with the basics. I am not really having morning sickness which is a HUGE blessing, especially with diabetes. I do, however, get quite queasy around 8:30pm every night until about 10pm. I have come to expect it and just use the time to watch some TV or go to bed early. I feel like I sleep and eat constantly. Supposedly, the little baby inside me, who is still somewhere between the size of a plum and a kiwi, is not using that much of my energy yet. Ha! I will be past my first trimester on Friday and I am so ready for the second trimester which brings more chances to see ultrasounds, feel the baby move and hopefully, less queasy feelings.

Thankfully, diabetes and pregnancy are getting along moderately well. I am constantly fighting low blood sugar at all times of the day and night, which only contributes to my constant eating even more. I will say that I am very anxious all the time about what my blood sugar is doing, how it is affecting the baby and how I can keep it even more under control. That little screen on my glucometer that beams those numbers that will ultimately hurt or help my baby is like oxygen to me. As I am working on completing my last semester of graduate school, I am also constantly calculating all sorts of numbers in my head to the point where I am even dreaming about testing my blood sugar. I likely test 15 times a day now just because I feel like it is the only way I can know that the baby is doing fine. I suppose I am getting a little neurotic about checking, but I suppose reassuring myself of the safety of my baby and myself is only a good thing. I am so blessed to have a team of doctors and nurses who are keeping a close eye on the baby's development and a husband who is diligent in helping me make this the easiest pregnancy that it can be. We just found out the schedule of doctor's visits for the next 6 months and I will say it is quite overwhelming. Somehow I am going to make it to two different doctor's offices once a month and a third doctor a few times in there as well. By week 26, I will be going to one of three doctors every other week (which means some appointment every week) and by week 30, I will be balancing 2 different doctors every week. And that is all if everything goes perfectly, if not, it will be even more visits, more needles, more waiting rooms and more co-pays. Bring it on.

So far, in the last 12 weeks, pregnancy has taught me so much. I now understand why mothers worry when they don't know how their children are doing. My baby is closer to me than my own skin and yet I still worry. I have learned to let go of the idea that I can control diabetes completely, control pregnancy and control my crazy emotions and appetite. I have never had to trust the Lord so completely and so wholly as I do now. Growing a baby inside me is also growing trust in my heart. I am trusting that every high or low blood sugar number is not going to hurt my baby, trusting that birth defects aren't going to happen and trusting that God can handle this so much better than I can. I am learning to let my body literally be a house of peace through Jesus. The baby needs peace and rest and trust. When I am not checking my blood sugar, I am praying for the baby and vis versa. I am ready to trust the Lord to get me and the baby safely through the next 6 months and to get us safely through the next 6 hours.